Identification +

I had a professor in my graduate program back in the early 2000s who carried herself in a way that I wanted to emulate. I never expressed this to her, and I didn’t “fangirl” her office hours. But she had these elements that I wanted:

(I sometimes regret that I went to graduate school at such a young age. Can a 22-year-old in a Masters program really grasp the information being presented? I think I understood to the best of my ability, but I was still a little girl, even as I was a legal adult. I was sheltered and naive. I wish I would have been a bit older, in part so that I could have become friends with this woman rather than being intimidated by her because she was my teacher. I remember when this teacher asked how old I was. When I told her, she was shocked, as were the other students around me. I felt like a prodigy, but I wanted to say that I wasn’t. I was just very good at doing school.)

When I think of what I want to be, this teacher is part of that image. I think we all emulate people to some degree. We also emulate images. Some of the images I’ve been wanting to emulate are hard to articulate. But when I look at slow fashion websites, I see clothing styles that I think would reflect me. It’s going to take some time for me to be able to acquire those styles (I’m probably going to be taking a shopping fast here for at least a few months, if not a full year. I don’t want to commit to a year, but to one day of conscious, sustainable living at a time).

I have been a consumer all my life. It was expected, and I was trained to shop by my society. I want to stop this. I was praying the other day, and I wrote in my journal, God, please detox my life. I want to shed the excess weight in my life: physically losing fat and gaining muscle and flexibility, cleaning up my diet and food choices, taking care of my physical health through chiropractic care, and letting go of past hurts and habits that are rooted in fear and timidity. That’s all I know for now. I want to be light. I want to be air. I’ve adored birds for several years now, in part because of their lightness. Birds have hollow bones. They’re fragile, yet they can embrace flight. I like that strength. I want to work toward having that strength.

(Can you tell I like parenthesis, by the way? Side thoughts, rambling thoughts, somewhat connected. I think my brain works in parenthesis.)

 
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