I cannot sleep. It might be this baby in my belly, all 21-weeks-worth of him, but I have not yet felt him (I know he is moving, thanks to ultrasound proof of dancing arms and a turning face). So, rather than read random Flipboard stories (that might have caused my insomnia in the first place), and rather than toss and turn and potentially keep the husband awake, who actually has to get up at a normal human hour, I thought I would crawl into the office and write. My cat was very happy to see me.
I took the day off work today. Canceling summer classes never sits well with me, due to the fast pace, but I needed a day to rest. I had one of my 18-hour headaches yesterday, laying in bed and feeling utterly exhausted at the same time. I probably dozed on and off for over 12 hours (that’s the insomnia, isn’t it?).
While in one of my large rounds of pain (and the pregnancy-safe Tylenol not really working all that well), I listened to Jason Upton’s “Whisper” and cried.
Whisper, whisper, whisper in my ear
And tell me words I thoughts I’d never hear
Show me, show me, show me what you see
Illuminate what’s right in front of me
Couple this with Psalm 25:4-5
Show me the right path, O LORD ; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.
I need a change. I wrote about it a few months ago. I thought it was leaving teaching altogether, but after much thought and prayer, I no longer think that is the answer.
But, I do know that part of the answer, a huge part of the answer, is for me to start writing again.
And “for me to start writing again” also involves going back to school for that Ph.D. in English.
Yes, a baby is coming out of my body in November. I know that. But I also know that I turn 36 this Wednesday, and if I am going to make a change this large, it needs to be now. Why I didn’t feel this urgency while single and childless I am not sure. I just don’t feel it was the time. And, I really think I needed the husband and the baby to help push me toward this future.
I’m very scared. I’m scared I won’t get in. I’m scared I will get in. I’m scared we won’t have any money if I quit working and go back to school full-time and that we will have to sell the house. I’m scared I won’t be able to even do this with a baby. This fear makes excuses for me as to why I don’t do things.
And when my faith is prone to fear, remind me of your love
Remind me that you never let me go
There is so much more for me. I think of what I’m going to leave this baby boy after I’m gone. I want to leave him more than what I’ve done. I want to finally let go.