Sundays: Not Like Math
I want to respond to my latest post from September. So much for taking advantage of the winter break to work on writing. But other life concerns came about, ones that required focus.
I start my new semester tomorrow. I will teach six classes in total before June is finished. The most I have taught at one time is five, so the additional class will be an interesting boat to navigate.
But I am hopeful. I have really taken on a renewed sense of quiet, meditation, and stillness this holiday season, and I want to carry it into my teaching season. I’m going to really try to practice the Sabbath in the traditional sense, and rather than just “daily devotions,” I’m going to practice the Daily Office: of quieting the mind several times a day and thinking on God. And I’m not going to do it just to get something out of Him. I am tired of making him into the image of my own personal Santa Clause (and I’m sure he is tired of me doing that to him in return). I really just want to sit and BE with him.
I’m also in weekly conversation with a lovely woman from church who is helping me work through my past and how it is negatively influencing my present. The husband and I are also meeting with some others together, and he has his own mentor at the church. Very small connections, but very vital. 2015 was the year we really started investing into our church. We tried (and failed) at a few small group dynamics and worship leading dynamics (I sat crying in the worship leader’s office in the summer and probably scared her completely, and I cried in part because I wasn’t feeling the type of connection with her that I imagined I would feel, and it was awkward all around because it wasn’t the right time for me to be sitting in that chair in her office). I failed at some women’s gatherings (once again, crying was involved). But it was still good to try.
Church is really complicated. It has all of these unwritten rules that demand to be followed. It can be a beautiful place, but it can also be very damaging and painful (I’m speaking about the church as a whole, not the group of people we meet with necessarily).
I feel like God is less complicated than church.
I’m rethinking many things in regards to career this year. I am not pursuing full-time like I was. If a spot opens up at the college just up the street from me, I will apply. But otherwise I will not.
Instead, I am going to start seeing how I can use this writing gift to help produce an income. Yes, I teach English, and yes, I really enjoy it. But writing? That goes beyond enjoyment for me. Maybe that is why I have been afraid to try and make any money with it. Maybe I am afraid that I will fail and somehow this precious gift I feel I have been given will be tarnished. Or, maybe it is that this gift will become too commercialized for my own good. I do happen to know that there is a book inside of me waiting to get out, perhaps several books. But they’re still zygotes…
Much to discover this year: new health, new opportunities, new family members, perhaps. More love, more growth, more sacrifice. More chances to close my eyes and breathe in the fresh air of possibilities and promise.