The Fire and the Flood

Last night, I was listening to my Pandora channel that contains singers/bands like Jonathan and Melissa Helser, Housefires, and such and such, and the above band, Loud Harp, came on. And it was the perfect soundtrack to the thoughts and the mood I was in at that moment (I love God’s serendipity).

This morning, I looked up the lyrics (I had not even been concerned with trying to decipher the language; I was caught up in the melody):

This time when You come
Do not keep silent
This time when You come
Don’t hide Your face

Oh bring the fire
Burn what isn’t You
Oh bring the flood
Overwhelm us

Wade, wade in the water
God’s going to trouble the water

Remind us that You’re God
Remind us that You’re God
Then remind us that You’re good
Remind us that You’re good

I feel like my last entry about abandoning teaching may have been misdirected. Because the very next day, I had an amazing day of classes and discussion (thank you, Introduction to Literature students. You have no idea how much you helped my heart). Add on to that a very nasty 2-week long head cold, and the fact that I have accumulated over 100 hours of sick time over my 8+ year career as an adjunct that allow me to cancel classes without facing punitive action, and I’m rethinking my tirade.

I had discussed wanting “to feel appreciated, valued, and irreplaceable.” And then I wrote how I might experience this in another line of work. But that’s not true, is it? Does anyone ever feel appreciated, valued, and irreplaceable this side of eternity?

So I’m shifting my perspective.

I’m realizing that I don’t want to kill it at a job, of any kind. Not even teaching. I don’t want to be like one of my co-workers/a mentor-figure, who told me she was quitting the committee she was heading up because she was being berated and belittled by the women above her, and she would cry and feel broken. I see others who suffer from bad health, broken spirits, and lonely families. And for what? Maybe a larger paycheck.

I have done so much of my life looking at money and financial reward. But then my husband introduced me to a concept he learned in one of his economics classes. It’s called opportunity cost. What opportunities am I willing to give up for others? I only have a finite amount of resources. For example, I know that I can only teach a certain amount of classes, and that if i am teaching, I cannot do other things.

Teaching full-time at a community college is not conducive to the type of person I am and the type of person I want to be.

There. I’ve typed it. Now it’s concrete. So be silent, nay sayers who say adjunct work is for the dogs. It is my line of work for now, and it is what God has given me. It is one of the lines drawn around me.

I’m dying for equilibrium and balance,
needing to get my entire being back in alignment,
back in that centered, measured place.

When I read “Oh bring the fire / Burn what isn’t You,” I think of my desire for balance.

I want to be happy with the boundaries God has drawn around my life.

I want to be content with the shift.

It is new and old and shining bright.


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